The Waiting Game

The scariest part of any leap, whether it be from a cliff into the ocean or answering a phone call potentially bearing good or bad news, is the moment before you decide to make it. A push or running start is easier than a self-propelled leap. The longer you stand on the edge, the harder it is to muster up the strength in yourself to tip into a world where control is no longer yours.

Waiting for labor to kick in feels a lot like walking along a tightrope. I’ve already made it halfway across. I’m swaying in the wind, and there’s no option for turning back. Even with the safety net I’ve built for myself, through support and backup plans and prep work, the fear is palpable. It has ripped me awake in the middle of the night, wide-eyed and sweaty, running through all the ways this baby could disrupt the path I’ve architected for myself.

Who will I be when I emerge from this experience?
Will I be able to keep my business running the way I hope to?
What hurdles await Joe and I in our marriage?
What about my goals and dreams? Can they co-exist?
What if I can’t handle the love I feel for this kid?
What about the fear of losing him?

I know I’m going to have to confront the answers to all of these questions. And, I know that this time, I can’t force a certain answer with my own sheer willpower. This fact, while completely irrational, is terrifying.

And it should be. The unknown is a cliff in our minds; it’s bottom darkness as deep as our fears. Change is coming, and there’s just no way you can ever prepare yourself for the size, scale, and result of it all.

Well, my dear readers, you are going to be on this journey with me, for better or worse. I’ll be delivering this little boy in a matter of days (hours!) now, two new parents filled with all the emotions pulsing and combusting all at once.

It may be a while before you hear a real-time update from me on this channel. We have a lot of great content scheduled for you to give me a little break with the baby. If you are curious to know what we’re up to for the next four weeks, I will be somewhat active on Snapchat and a little on Instagram. Thanks for all your support and for letting me be vulnerable, scared and excited all at once.

I’ll see you on the other side!

Image via Glitter Guide