Pride & Prejudice in the Instagram Era


tumblr_lwwhywaqmm1qatmalOver plates of spaghetti, a girlfriend recently said, “If you are having a negative reaction to someone’s Instagram photo, it says more about you than it does them.” We were discussing the latest Instagram post from someone we both found both fascinating and controversial. Instagram has been a common topic of conversation with my close girlfriends these days. My friend has all but quit the app, aside from checking in on friends every couple days or so. Once inspired by seeing the world through a stranger’s perspective, she felt much of the content had lost it’s authenticity– that it had become a vehicle for social currency (aka: followers) vs. the act of capturing life as it unfolds. I’m sure you’ve felt this way lately– I know I have– and I think she has a point. The number of articles, books, and workshops dedicated to capturing the perfect Instagram photo are bountiful, and the strategies to gain sums of followers quickly involve ridiculous tactics. There is an obsession with doing Instagram “right” vs. doing it for personal growth.

“One of the most common ways our hidden insecurities affect our daily lives is through making assumptions about people”

I think it’s due to that little number above “followers.” It has driven many of us crazy. If the “relationship status” feature gave Facebook it’s edge, Instagram captured people’s deep seeded need to be not only accepted, but well-liked. These needs often stem from insecurities and shame (aka the heavy things we all carry with us) and we humans are not very good at managing them. Often times we don’t know they exist because we suppress them through willpower or self-medication and other vices. One of the most common ways our hidden insecurities affect our daily lives is through making assumptions about people and our environment to feel more in control of the things we ultimately have no control over. These assumptions are directly related to what psychologists call “projecting.”

When you’ve got a bunch of uncomfortable, embarrassing, or annoying emotions that you haven’t dealt with, they are often projected onto other people to become carriers of our own perceived flaws. We do this because it makes it much easier to live with ourselves because it’s their fault we’re feeling shitty about ourselves. I’ll give you some examples. How often have you looked through someone’s Instagram feed and thought, “she didn’t follow me back- she hates me.” What about, “Oh my god, I can’t believe she’s wearing that!?” Or, “If I can do this, then anyone can.”  You may have seen something while scrolling through your feed that’s given you that “Ew, no!” reaction, even if it was simply a beautiful photo of someone’s vacation. They’re real feelings and they’re not pleasant ones. That gets me back the point my girlfriend was making.

What do these strong feelings of judgement say about us?

We are privy to making assumptions without knowing much about one another. In 2016, this means we make judgements about a person’s life through the first nine squares of their Instagram account, or a series of 140-character thoughts. What do they look like? Who do they hang out with? What to they do with their free time? How many trips have they taken? What neighborhood do they live in? The list goes on.

Despite our natural curiosity, it is important to remember that for the most part, we don’t know one another at all. Think about the people closest to you. I bet there are only a handful of people you can say you really know. This is because it requires trust and openness and vulnerability on behalf of both parties. To know someone is to understand their fears and hopes– the things they worry about late at night and the aspirations they have for the future.

“I’m asking myself why I’m having a reaction vs. blaming it on the person who triggered it”

I’m not writing about shame and projection and pride and prejudices because I’m above all that. I’m very guilty of passing judgement and participating in gossip. I’ve said hurtful things that I regret. I’ve been on the receiving end of it all too, even before social media was ever a thing. I’m talking about it because my awareness of my tendencies to project have made it easier to exist in today’s digital age. Asking myself why I’m having a reaction vs. blaming it on the person who triggered it (almost always with no intent) is about taking control of my own insecurities. I’ve come to find inspiration in places I would have otherwise passed over. I find myself looking for people who embody the traits I envy. I find empathy for other people’s narratives.

“Supporting someone because you respect their journey will do more for the young women of this world than we know.”

I’m going to risk sounding preachy here, but I truly do believe we each need to extend ourselves beyond our own communities and echo chambers to understand the increasingly polarized world we inhabit. First, we must understand our own prejudices. Then, we must find a way to empathize with those we judge. Ideally, this process makes it easier for women to support one another despite our differences. I have a feeling that supporting someone because you respect their journey will do more for the young women of this world than we know.  It is going to be hard. We’ve been taught to assess our standing in the world by judging ourselves in the reflection of our peers. Let’s start with recognizing where you do have some control in making the internet a better place, and that’s in how you react to what others put out into the world.

And remember, if you can’t find something nice to say, hit the unfollow button.

Image: The Cobert Rebort, Comedy Central

BY Kate Arends - January 10, 2017

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January 10, 2017 2:51 pm

This is well-written, and I feel that it perfectly describes the current culture of the digital era. Thank you for always sharing your insight.

So true. I don’t get why people write mean things. When I feel annoyed by someone on social media personally, I just unfollow or stop watching. it’s that simple and you save your own time too.

Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog

January 10, 2017 3:58 pm

A million times YES to all of this. XO

January 10, 2017 5:36 pm

This is a wonderful, thoughtful and thought-provoking post. Thank you so much for sharing.

January 11, 2017 10:48 am

“And remember, if you can’t find something nice to say, hit the unfollow button.”

I’ve never understood how people find the time to sit behind their devices, write hurtful things and be OK with it? Just like another follower commented, if I’m annoyed/feel mean thoughts coming, the unfollow button is easy access and I use it frequently. Unfortunately, it boils down to self satisfaction for those who cannot unfollow. . .

January 11, 2017 6:38 pm

Discovering that I have control over that Unfollow Button has become one of the greatest gifts that I’ve given myself. <3

January 11, 2017 7:57 pm

Hi Kate,

I love this message — it’s a constant struggle for me to ‘turn it off’ and not compare myself with others or criticize them (internally) while browsing through IG. It honestly feels good to hear another woman admit it and offer up a slightly different perspective so that we can ALL be a little happier and maybe even make the world a little better. Huge fan of the Wellness posts on your blog. I live in Minneapolis and feel your posts resonate well with me. Thank you so much!!!

Danielle Whithorne
January 11, 2017 11:20 pm

Right on with this one!

I completely relate to every word. Thank you for advocating change surrounding this topic and for being genuine.

Looking forward to the articles this year!

January 12, 2017 7:00 pm

Great post. I’ve had a really hard time figuring out how to get out there as a designer without subjecting myself to the cruelity of the internet. I love the design community and want to be a part of it, but I’ve seen talented people such as yourself take such a bashing! I don’t know if I am tough enough to deal with that. Advice?

January 13, 2017 3:27 pm
Reply to  Kate Arends

That does help. Thank you for being an inspiration. <3

January 13, 2017 10:01 pm

This truly hits home with how I’ve been feeling lately, especially on social media but also in life in general. Every time I feel myself judging someone I’m trying to stop myself and think of one nice or wonderful thing about that person, no matter how small, and think about that for a while. I’m trying to form new thought patterns, it’s hard, but it’s freeing me up to feel better about myself too. Thanks!

January 19, 2017 6:19 pm

Im not of the instagram era and Im so very happy that Im not. It’s like high school all over again and not in a good way. Anyone can make their life go from blah to fab with some staging. If Instagram leaves you with uncomfortable feelings then stop going on it. Like most habits it can be broken. Live in the present. Live your own life

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