Essay: Trials and Tribulations of Coupling Up and Cohabiting

Health & Wellness

tumblr_m9qr2irdgh1rrcqu4o1_1280Readers, I’m excited to introduce you to my friend Liz Welle. I met Liz when she was the tender age of 19 and working her way through undergrad. She’s been one of my favorite follows on social media and I admire her humor, candor, and willingness to wear her heart on her sleeve. As I move into the next phase of my life as mother, I wanted to bring in a voice who speaks to those of you who are in your 20s. I remember how hard those years were and how badly I wanted to connect with others who were navigating those early years of adulthood. As a regular contributor on Wit & Delight, Liz will be sharing her unedited experiences in love, work, personal growth, and friendship. I hope you enjoy her voice as much as I do!


Did your decision to live with your significant other come from a super mature conversation about how your relationship was blossoming to the next level and, by golly, you were both ready to take that next step in the modern-day romance flow chart?

Please share how you do the whole “calm, cool, collected” thing whenever you have a sec because that is most definitely not what happened to me. The “byyyyye, mascara” meltdown I had completely destroyed the whole chill vibe I was doing decently well at maintaining up until that point.

Soon after falling flat-on-my-face in love with my now boyfriend, I was living in two different places at once. We spent approximately 99% of our time at his very grown-up furnished house (N’espresso machine and a fireplace) and somewhere around 1% of our relationship in my studio apartment (toilet that worked when it felt like it).

Living in several places at once is like the worst thing someone with ADD could possibly do to themselves. I had a duffle bag in the corner of his bedroom that I would haul home every morning for months; clean underwear and jeans in my car, and the rest of my stuff at my place. I could never remember where a damn thing was and some days that was enough to make me cry.

Not only did my car resemble a youth hostel, I was spending a lot of money every month to not live in an apartment my name was on the lease for. This is fun to do when you’re in love for like, ten minutes and then you realize you’ve basically just paid a $5,000 fee to have a boyfriend for the last couple months.

Worse, I felt like my boyfriend hadn’t acknowledged and or verbally appreciated that I was living my life all over the place just to be with him, and what was even more awful: I was convincing myself he wouldn’t do the same for me. I had shifted my whole life for him. You can play house for only so long before you have to deal with some real shit.

For the first time in our relationship I felt actual anger at him. He still woke up every day in the same bed, went out the same door to work, and brushed his teeth looking at himself in the same mirror he had the last ten years. I didn’t feel like he understood that in this house EVERYTHING was his and not mine. And when I felt hurt or scared or sad, I didn’t have a room that was MINE, had always been MINE, to fall apart in. Every time I went back to my apartment to get a piece of wardrobe or tampons, I felt like I had to apologize to all my things and that space. I felt like I was abandoning a part of myself, and I wrongly took that out on Erik for not noticing.

It became too much during a fancy strip mall Chinese food date. My iciness during the meal and ensuing drive home led him to ask that most seemingly innocuous of questions:  “What’s wrong?”

What is it about “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” that trigger your brain to be like, “ALRIGHT TEAR DUCTS, FULL STEAM AHEAD! LET’S GET THIS WATER WORKS PARTY GOIN’!” I just. Exploded.

“WELP! LET ME TELL YOU! I’M PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS AND I’VE PAID SOMEWHERE AROUND THE PRICE OF A REALLY RARE DESIGNER DOG TO NOT LIVE IN AN APARTMENT THAT I REALLY LOVE AND I’M CHUCKING MY INDEPENDENCE OUT THE WINDOW FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE SAID THANK YOU. YOU’VE NEVER ONCE EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED THIS.”

My boyfriend does this very annoying thing where he’s both rational and calm all the time? It’s a very cool juxtaposition against my natural inclination to just REACT.

“I’m not sure where this is coming from, but I’m sincerely sorry I made you feel like I haven’t acknowledged that you felt you were abandoning your place and the meaning it held to you. I love the crap out of you and I would never want you to feel that way. I think moving in together is a step I’d love to take, when and if you’re ready. Do you want to do it next month? Or what are your thoughts?”

You guys. Even having him verbally recognize my stress in this situation made my anger meter go down eleventy billion notches and the part of my brain I prefer to have lead my decision-making process was able to take center stage.

It was like he passed the logical thinking torch to me. It’s amazing what communicating can do for your relationship??? Have you guys all tried this thing called communication??

“You know. Actually, I think we should wait a little bit.”

So we waited. We waited a full year. It felt like the right amount of time to know for sure that someone is not a serial killer.

My one piece of advice in all of this would be to wait until you are at least past the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship and your brain is not flooding itself with happy drugs 24/7. In a year you can build a solid beginning foundation for your relationship. You know what it takes to love that person, and how it jives with the way you need to be loved, and whether you two can realistically make that work in a space you both will eat, sleep, laugh, fight, and poop. If you ultimately decide once that neurological cocktail of ecstasy (it’s a thing!!!) wears off that you can’t see yourself long-term with that person, that’s SO okay!  Because waiting for that person that you can’t believe you get to wake up next to every morning, even when their breath smells like they threw up rotten McDonald’s, is a pretty neat feeling.

 screen-shot-2016-11-29-at-4-21-00-pmLiz Welle is a professional Feelings Feeler but gets paid to do social and digital stuff for brands in Minneapolis while occasionally food styling on the side. She lives in Uptown with her boyfriend and their thirteen plants. She is doing her best.

Image: Timberline Lodge Ski Club party, Timberline Lodge, Mt. Hood, Oregon.  Photo by Ralph Morse, January 1942.
Image of Liz Welle: Voxland Photo

BY Liz Welle - December 7, 2016

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19 Comments  +

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  1. Molly

    December 7th, 2016 at 11:20 am

    LOVE!

  2. Whitney

    December 7th, 2016 at 11:47 am

    Loved this so much!

  3. Liz Welle

    December 8th, 2016 at 10:00 am

    Like, HOW do they do it? Can’t relate.

  4. Stacy

    December 7th, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    so so so good! totally have the same type of boyfriend: calm & rational 100% of the time.

  5. sharon

    December 7th, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    thanks for bringing along a contributor for us 🙂 i’ve been reading blogs since hs (i recently graduated undergrad) and noticed that alot of the blogs i used to really enjoy forgot about their younger demographic once they’ve reached certain milestones. i love that w&d is giving me pieces of “grown up” life while acknowledging all the growing pains that go with it.

  6. Kate

    December 8th, 2016 at 10:30 am

    thanks for your note, sharon! i’m so glad you’re excited about having Liz on board. i know my younger self would have loved to have had a voice like Liz to relate to. i can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know you feel the same. <3

  7. Jackie

    December 7th, 2016 at 1:58 pm

    This was wonderful and beautiful and hilarious and Liz, can I tell you your bio at the end there is probably my favorite of all the bios? It’s golden. Look forward to reading more!

  8. Liz Welle

    December 8th, 2016 at 10:48 am

    GAH! Thank you very much. Looking forward to writing more.

  9. shannon

    December 7th, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    It sounds like your significant other is super supportive of you and your feelings! I’m so glad it all worked out.

    And this! Yes!!
    “What is it about “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” that trigger your brain to be like, “ALRIGHT TEAR DUCTS, FULL STEAM AHEAD!”

  10. Liz Welle

    December 8th, 2016 at 10:19 am

    He IS so supportive, thankfully.
    And yes any form of “how ya doin, you good?” is a complete trigger for eyeball Niagra Falls

  11. MD

    December 8th, 2016 at 11:15 am

    Too often the bumps in the relationship are swept under the rug and you’re left feeling like your relationship is the only one with imperfections. Thaaaaanks for this, from another 20-something feelings feeler, who just moved in with a sig other. And yeah- how DO they do it?

  12. ms

    December 8th, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    how is this like paying a $5,000 fee to have a boyfriend? you would have had to pay your own rent if you were still single.

  13. Emily

    December 8th, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    LOL! I’m in my early 20s and thinking of moving in with my boyfriend and can 100% relate to this. Thanks!

  14. tiffany

    December 8th, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    LOVE THIS. and started my crazy instagram stalking of liz, which (warning!) makes you love her even more. BRAVO!

  15. Ki

    December 8th, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Liz, you were hilarious, and you just described the same thing thathappened with me & my now husband–an emotional freakout about how much I missed my apartment and my pillow! You’re hilarious, can’t wait to read more.

  16. Ranu

    December 8th, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    So much yes. Can relate to so much of this, thank you for writing it into real words!

    P.S. Hi Liz, and I love you too! I’ve been following you for awhile now on social (how I found you, I have no idea) but so happy to hear you’ll be a regular contributor, keep the honesty (and funny tweets) coming.

  17. Miranda Babbitt

    December 16th, 2016 at 9:04 am

    I find it very funny that teenagers get the rep for being super angsty and struggling with their feelings all the time. Sorry, but the 20-something years are where it’s AT in terms of apparently soul-crushing, life-twisting feelings on at least a weekly basis.

    Thanks so much for your post, Liz. You’re killing it. (And I hope your move-in with this sweet man brings you so much calm and joy!)

  18. Anna

    January 21st, 2017 at 10:15 am

    While I appreciate the candid nature of this post, I have to say I’m disappointed that this is the message being sent to twentysomethings. It’s entirely possible to have frequent and mature conversations about relationships without unloading onto a partner the feelings that have been kept inside. Sure, this is slightly funny to read, but it left me sad for an entire generation of people who think “adulting” (can we stop with that word yet?) is a bad thing. It isn’t.

  19. Kate

    January 21st, 2017 at 11:29 am

    Hi Anna,

    Thanks for your comment. Growing up provides perspective and you can’t rush that process. Liz is speaking from where she is, right now. Those feelings are real I don’t think there should be any reason to feel shame around them.

    Kate

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