For most of my life, I chased an elusive idea of love. The kind that arrives serendipitously and presents itself with grand gestures. I waited for my modernized white knight to arrive and save me. Save me from what? you may ask. I thought a great love would make everything in life make sense. It would save me from my insecurities, make my problems go away, and bring fullness and joy to my life. In my mind, love was the vehicle to a destination that represented a successful adult: someone who had married and started a family. Love was black and white, with little to no room for interpretation. You either had it or you didn’t.

After my first marriage had fallen apart and I accepted full responsibility for its failure, I took a step back to assess how I found myself so far away from the person I wanted to become.

Love hadn’t saved me; it exposed my deepest insecurities.
Love didn’t make my problems go away; it complicated them.
Love didn’t make me full; it accentuated my emptiness.

Not only did love not save me, it almost destroyed me and many people around me. How did I get it so terribly wrong?

The years that followed were an experiment in all the different ways love came into my life. I learned about love addiction and what healthy relationships looked like. I asked questions and read lots of books. I leaned on my girlfriends for emotional support. I reached out to my family. I made peace with old boyfriends and people I had hurt along the way. I learned how to give romantic love the space and respect it deserves and let go of my love addiction. I learned that love is what fills the space between two people. I learned that romantic love is only one of the many connections we need as humans.

I believe we are in love many times over throughout our lifetime and it is impossible to get everything we need from one person. Love is nuanced, and socially, we tend to overemphasize the importance of our romantic partnerships over our platonic relationships with friends and family.

This month we will explore the different ways love manifests itself. We’ll discuss the commercialization, institutionalization, and socialization of romantic love. We will dive into the importance of same-sex friendships, analyze the stigma around singledom, and navigate the digital dating scene. We will also share stories from same-sex and mixed-race couples, and of course – speak on the importance of self-love.

Illustration: Kate Worum

Kate Arends

Kate is the founder of Wit & Delight. She is currently learning how to play tennis and is forever testing the boundaries of her creative muscle. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.