Can we talk about online dating profiles for a minute? I mean, those of us who’ve spent any amount of time weeding through them are all rolling our eyes at the same things (amiright??), and those of you not reading them might be wondering what we all keep chuckling about. Also, any of you considering online dating could probably benefit from some helpful translations.
I’ve seen my fair share of online dating profiles over the years, and there are a few things guaranteed to make me cringe/laugh/swipe left immediately. And then there are things that just make me want to shake a guy’s shoulders and say, “Really? Did you think this through??”
Here are some of both:
TRANSLATION: “I’m somewhere between 5’9” and 6’ tall. (With my shoes on.)”
I realize this might not be such a big deal to all women. But, as a tall girl, I’m continually amazed by this phenomenon. Allow me to rant for a moment.
According to the profiles I see online, approximately 95% of men are six feet tall. Yet, somehow, guys in the real world seem to be a whole range of heights. Maybe it’s just all the single men online who are six feet?
Guys. Help me understand. Do you really think you are six feet tall or are you just exaggerating because _________???? (Wait. Why exactly?) Actually, don’t answer that. I already know. Yep. Yes. Yessiree, you do believe you’re six feet tall. I know this because I’m repeatedly arguing with men shorter than me who insist I’m not 5’11” (which I am) because they’re “six feet tall”.
My conclusions are this: a) Men shorter than six feet “measure” themselves with their tallest shoes on and b) these men assume women don’t know what six feet looks like anyway.
So. If you’re a tall girl, or any woman who cares, here are some helpful insights about height: If a guy reports his height online as six feet, there’s a high probability that he’s only six feet when measured from the bottom of his cowboy boots to the top of his ten-gallon hat. If a guy reports that he’s taller than 6’1” he probably is.
To be clear. I’ve dated guys shorter than six feet. I have nothing against shortness. It’s the lack of transparency (and self-awareness?) that irks me.
Also, hint to guys: If a woman says she’s 5’11”, that is her height without shoes. As in, that’s the height the nurse recorded the last time her height and weight were taken at the clinic. This means any shoe she wears will make her at least six feet tall, and possibly quite a bit more. If you ask this girl out, your true height (and lack of forthcomingness) will be exposed.
TRANSLATION: “I’m looking for lots of dates with lots of women and I’m talking to all of you at once. Because women like that.”
I can’t even with this one. Do the guys who write this imagine themselves onstage addressing an audience of women eager to fight for the chance to date them? Do they think we like to be reminded that we’re just one of many women they’re fishing for? Please, make it stop.
TRANSLATION OPTIONS: “1) I’ve had a bad experience with at least one woman,” 2) “I consider any emotion a woman has to be ‘drama’,” or 3) “I’m a conflict avoider.”
I mean, on the surface, this one is legit. Who wants drama? No one. Duh. No woman is searching for the guy who says, “I love drama. I want to build a lasting relationship on drama. Let’s do this.”
Not wanting drama is universal. It doesn’t need to be said. And when it is said, it tells me that this guy has experienced some crazy-making dynamics in a past relationship (haven’t we all?) and the only way he knows to deal with it is to blame the woman and forbid any future “drama”.
HEADS UP. The man who is actually going to avoid drama (and find a great woman) is the one who says something more like: “I’m looking for a woman who understands her needs and is willing to voice them. I value communication and I’m looking for someone who can successfully work through disagreements.”
Now that’s attractive. Am I right, ladies?
TRANSLATION: “I like to keep my options way, way open. (Also, I prefer younger women, but I’ll take one my age if necessary.)”
I might be more sensitive to this one than I need to be. But here’s the thing: I’m entering a new decade this year, and when most of the guys my same age proclaim they won’t consider a woman even one year older than themselves, whelp, it’s frustrating. It implies that I, as a woman, have an expiration date. It creates the impression that I’ll continually be physically compared to women decades younger than me. And it narrows the number of men I would even consider dating. I’m looking for someone who wants to live this actual phase of life with me. Not someone who needs to rewind.
By the way, I saw a profile for a 45-year-old guy the other day who was looking for women aged “18 to 103”. I feel like I should report this to the authorities.
TRANSLATION: “I’m looking for a younger woman.”
I usually get this one in direct messages from men a generation older than me. To this I must reply: We all feel younger than our age, sir, so the age gap is still the same. If a woman wants to date an older man, she won’t be sold by that line. And if a woman doesn’t want to date an older man, she’ll just think you sound desperate. (Which I do.)
TRANSLATION: “I just got out of a relationship (and I’m actually not ready).”
Dear Mister Single Man: I get it. I do. I understand why those words came out of your head and ended up in your online profile. But here’s the thing. Pretty much all of us on here are starting over. When you feel compelled to include that information, what it actually tells me is that your previous relationship is still such a big part of who you are that it’s impossible to describe yourself without mentioning it. Which also tells me that you may not be ready for a new one. Come back when you are just you and dating is more about your future than your past.
TRANSLATION: “I don’t have any friends” or “I don’t want to tell my friends I’m on here.”
Besides the whole friendless problem here, there’s the pain of just having to see so many selfies. Occasionally a guy can pull off an acceptable car selfie, but my eyes sting every time I see a shirtless bathroom selfie. This debacle is compounded by the guys who only take selfies from the angle of their lap. Why? Just, why? As far as I can tell, this either means: “I don’t have the upper-arm strength to hold my phone at eye level,” or “I didn’t bother to Google ‘How to not look like a stalker in a selfie.’”
TRANSLATION: “See how hot I used to be?”
I’ve noticed that gray-haired (or no-haired) gentlemen like to throw in photos of themselves from their twenties, when they had more flow and less dad bod. GUYS: This tactic makes you look old, and not in a fun retro way. Stop immediately.
Also, I feel like this (related) point should be obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. If a guy only posts old photos of himself, he’s really taking a risk. I showed up for a date once and the guy was completely unrecognizable from his profile photos, which I realized must have been taken 10 years and 15 pounds earlier. The waitress had to help me identify him and I was completely thrown off by the strange face sitting across from me. He wasn’t unattractive in his current state, but I felt so duped that I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. What was his strategy exactly???
TRANSLATION: “The last time I had fun or looked good was with my ex.”
Also, I’m highly attuned to photos that were taken by an ex during a special, shared moment. I can tell. Reminding me of your past relationship is not a great selling point for a new one.
TRANSLATION: “I don’t like how I look” and/or “I am my hobbies.”
These photos would be great if I were shopping for a Caribbean vacation, hunting tips, or a softball team, dude.
TRANSLATION: “This picture gives me self-esteem. (And I like to hug barely dressed women whose names I probably don’t know.)”
TRANSLATION: (I wish I knew!)
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with this one. I don’t have any judgment or conclusions about a guy who loves Vince Flynn novels. But it blows me away how many men list this author in their profile. Is this a Minnesota thing? (Vince was Minnesotan, right?) Is this a guy thing? Is this an author my book club should be reading? I’m so curious. Why do I only hear about Vince Flynn in the online profiles of single men? Do you know???
Okay, friends. Those are my top 12. Did I miss any? What drives you nuts in online profiles?
Oh, by the way. Would you like to know what is possibly THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THING I can see in an online profile?? (I have only ever seen it in a few.) Here it is:
Bam. Mic drop. Here’s my number.
Julie Rybarczyk is a freelance writer, fair-weather blogger, and empty-nester mama who’s living alone and liking it . She’s perpetually the chilliest person in Minneapolis—so most of the year you’ll find her under layers of wool, behind steaming cups of tea. Or on the socials at @shortsandlongs.
BY Julie Rybarczyk - July 11, 2018
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Thank you for being here. For being open to enjoying life’s simple pleasures and looking inward to understand yourself, your neighbors, and your fellow humans! I’m looking forward to chatting with you.
I was nodding my head “Yes” to ALL of this. My friend came across a guy so offensive the other day that I can’t even repeat what his profile said. I eye roll when a guy says he travels a lot for work like it’s something to brag about. I travel a lot for work, too, and it’s exhausting! I also hate when they list a bunch of things that they don’t want you to be like. A girl must not value herself enough if she swipes right on a guy like that.
OH MY GOSH yes. “don’t be… x” is the most obnoxious thing. Especially when it has to do with weight/fitness level. At that point, truly just say “I’m only interested in someone skinny”… whatever that means.
Meredith – haha, I love that you can relate. And yes! Seriously. The list of things a guy “doesn’t want.” So obnoxious and insulting. And entitled.
As a girl who doesn’t really “do photos” I understand the selfie thing. I’m not even sure I have any current photos I’ve taken with friends – it’s just not something we do together – so I’d have to rely on selfies for a dating profile. I imagine there are probably plenty of guys who don’t really take group photos with their friends either.
So I guess that’s the only one that doesn’t really bother me much
I hear you, Michaela! And I totally get that finding photos can be a challenge sometimes. I really appreciate when a guy has a picture of himself with his dog or by a landmark or in any setting that helps create a sense of who is, where he hangs out, etc. – other than just his face. 🙂
Yeah, I’m not putting pictures of my friends on a dating app. That’s just disrespectful and an invasion of their privacy.
Chris – I totally agree!
I’m soon to marry a wonderful man I met through an online dating site, and I’m almost 100% certain he listed Vince as his favorite author. I also questioned why so many men feel the same, but having listened to two of his books while on a recent road trip, I kind of understand the allure. Just don’t tell my book club. 🙂
Becky – First of all, congratulations!!! And lol on the Vince Flynn theme. That’s cracking me up. I might have to check the guy out. Don’t tell my book club either.
Julie, this list made me literally LOL! So relatable. I also had a date I did NOT recognize from his pictures. I’ve lived and dated in cities on the east and west coast and I don’t recall Vince Flynn though we definitely had some other repeats. My red flag (and honestly refusal to go further) is any guy who loves/quotes Bukowski.
Also YES to therapy! I always say the hottest thing about Prince Harry is he’s been to therapy.
Lindsay – Hahaha I’ll have to watch for the Bukowski quotes. And I didn’t know that about Prince Harry but he is now 1000 times hotter for sure. !
Why is Bukowski a red flag for you? Just curious! I love him!
Bahaha, the first point made me laugh because I have experienced the same EXACT story countless times but translated into European sizes hehe.
Eva – lol. Oh good grief. It’s a global issue, hahah. Best of luck weeding through the profiles!
A single friend recently ssid to me, as we were discussing, single sites, she said, why do men show dead things in their photo’s? I thought, huh? Then asked, dead things? She said yeah these dumb dead fish, holding them up so proud, yuck, after laughing for 10 minutes. I started to wonder about that question. Women couldn’t be less interested,in dead fish. haha
From one 5’11” tall girl to another: yes to that. And as a 45 yr old woman looking for somebody of similar age, I don’t exist for them any longer. they are looking for 15yrs youger. So frustrating. Yes, to all of it, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry reading it. Actually, I noticed that men don’t really know how to woe women, or talk to them like normal beings. They just know how to compete with eachother. If I see another picture where a guy is showing off his fishing luck or how big his truck… Read more »
Miruska – Oh my goodness, girl. We are so on the same page. I turn 50 this year and I know I will literally fall off the page for so many guys who will no longer even consider dating me. Really dumb. And you make SUCH A GOOD POINT about the constant boat/fishing/truck photos. You are right!! They only know how to try to impress other men (or themselves) – not us women. Holy cow. Annoying. I am all for the breaks from online dating. I’m on a break right now as well. Enjoying summer on my own. 🙂 We… Read more »
yeah, especially men who had been married; they are now looking for fun. The better looking he is, the younger the age range. As if we couldn’t be or aren’t fun! I am focusing on doing things that make me happy, man or not. We got this for sure!!!
Some of the men on these profiles, when you find out their truths, you can understand why they are evasive or they lie. For example, the men,who lower their age, because they want younger woman or the 60+ men who want children. Do they mean her children? Why do they call you when they are going away for a few weeks or they have absolutely no time to date?
Susan – Yep to all of that. It can be really frustrating and, frankly, disheartening. Good luck out there. !!
I sdore your editorial, laughed out loud. Why do men think they need to say, they want a woman to be athletic. A woman in her 60 + years, may not be athletic, what does this mean fool! Climbing mountains, most men that say their athletic, can’t pick soap up off the shower floor, geez. I tried a few of the sites, blah. I wish there was snother way. Men think women are ignorant, probably the reason their single!
Susan, thank you!! And I agree on the “athletic” comment. I see that alllll the time. I’ve always interpreted that one as “don’t be overweight”, which is also annoying. Good luck to you. It’s a jungle out there.
Lol. That’s so true :))) My crush is a single guy. That’s good!
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Susan, thank you!! And I agree on the “athletic” comment. I see that alllll the time.
I sdore your editorial, laughed out loud
A single friend recently ssid to me, as we were discussing, single sites
Oh my goodness, girl. We are so on the same page
Yep to all of that. It can be really frustrating and, frankly, disheartening. Good luck out there. !!
YES to all of this, and it seems to be consistent in every age group I’ve seen. Disheartening.
My new rule has become: I’m all in for men who believe in and ENGAGE in therapy. Not the men that think therapy is for people who are broken but support it in theory The men that want to do some healthy growth and maintenance the same way they would get their oil changed.
Make money using your phone
YES to all of this, and it seems to be consistent in every age group I’ve seen. Disheartening
Yep to all of that. It can be really frustrating and, frankly
YES to all of this, and it seems to be consistent in every age group I’ve seen. Disheartening
i found it so amazing glad to be here
All good stuff, but I haven’t done any of those and I’m still single. Oh well.
very excellent content this blog…..thanks
This is B.S. being single is in the best interest for men who have something to lose. We have men being falsely accused of crimes they never committed. For example: a man in Australia helped a woman who broke down, he fixed her car and how she thanked him for his kindness? She accused him of sexual assault, etc. Instead of doing a proper investigation, they threw the man under the bus, destroyed his life, family and career. They have believe all women, etc and this what happens, a witch hunt. In my point of view women just became just… Read more »
As a fan of the MGTOW philosophy I really had to laugh. You are actually right on those points. I am just baffled why so many men want to expose themselves on those dating sites the way to do. It’s pathetic.I really don’t date and the interest women have in me seems to be very little. That’s great! But I am getting a little agitated by women who believe that I should “man up!” and find a woman to settle down, hence I should put my profile on those dating sites. Nope. Not interested. I am glad to see that… Read more »