How to Ask for What You Want in Life and Work

Lifestyle

A handful of cloudy years ago, those carefree-ish mid-20s I’ll never get back, all my days were consumed with a never-ending breakup with a boyfriend. We brought out the worst in each other and we couldn’t stay away from each other.  

“You know I wanted to have kids with you, right?” he said a little too confidently near the final, for real this time breakup.

I almost laughed. Maybe I did laugh. “What? You never told me that.”

The thought of us, two good people in a truly disastrous relationship, bringing children into our I-love-you-but-mostly-I-love-you-not madness was ridiculous to me. His delusion almost came off as sweet.

“That wasn’t the deal. That was never the deal,” I said.

Of course I didn’t know that. Why? Because he never told me. And if there’s one lesson I keep learning over and over and over, it’s that you need to ask for what you want—in love, in work, in every nook and cranny of life. Perhaps a raise, a ride to the airport, extra responsibility at work, a bite of your date’s entrée, more foreplay before getting down and dirty. I hope my ex has learned this necessary nugget of life advice by now, too.

Turns out, oftentimes, opportunities don’t just fall into your lap or inbox. And it’s too bad most people can’t read minds either, huh? So that means it’s up to us. Getting what you want takes tenacity, bravery, clear communication, sensibility, and a little bit of luck. And though I’m continuing to learn this lesson every day, I’m slowly getting the hang of it. So here, step by step, let’s get what we want together, shall we?

First, know exactly what you want.

Identify your problem, then recognize your need. Say housework is hogging all your free time. Do you need to ask your partner to participate more? (And not by spitting under your breath, “Unload the dishwasher once in a while, why dontcha?” in his or her direction. Resentment doesn’t resolve.) Or perhaps work is uninspiring these days. Should you ask your boss to schedule a meeting so you can consider next steps? Or ask friends in your field to put feelers out there for you? Once you break down what you need, you’ll have a better idea of who, how, and when to ask for it.

You know you deserve what you want, right?

If you don’t think you’re worthy of what you’re asking for, then whoever you’re asking isn’t going to think so, either. What’s the basis of that fear? That you’re inadequate, not educated enough, not deserving of nice things? Do you think you’re too young, too old, too timid, too poor, too something? That pool of reasons ain’t pretty, but it’s best to dive in head first to figure out your insecurities.

If you don’t think you’re worthy of what you’re asking for, then whoever you’re asking isn’t going to think so, either.

Recognize the difference between having needs and being needy.

Welcome to my therapy session from three weeks ago! Turns out, for a myriad of midwestern/Catholic/Irish/child of divorce guilt-ridden reasons, I’ve been blurring the lines between having needs and feeling needy. Maybe you are, too. We all have basic needs: to have a sense of purpose, to feel loved, to care for and protect ourselves. If what you’re asking for falls into a basic need category for you, then you aren’t being needy. So let’s get this straight: you can be a strong, capable, independent person with needs. You can have needs without being needy. Babies are needy because they literally need you to spoon food into their mouths. You asking the woman in the produce department to scoot her cart over so you can pass by isn’t needy.

Get to the point.

No need to write a soliloquy. Be clear, concise, kind, and convincing. Subject, predicate, verb, manners. Edit out the “maybes” and “justs;” wishy-washy words water down your request.

Be reasonable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want to move to Amsterdam and find loving homes for all the world’s orphans and have affordable healthcare and trip on a treasure chest of gold, too. But that’s a titch unreasonable, isn’t it? (…Or is it?) So maybe instead of marching into your manager’s office and demanding a more flexible schedule, you can negotiate a work from home deal for once a week. Then check in a few months from now to see if it’s working for both of you. Perhaps instead of asking your first grade teacher friend for a giant donation to your charity event, see if she could help you assemble the seating chart. Chances are, if you aren’t asking someone to lasso the moon for you, they’ll be happy to help.

Consider the other person.

Oftentimes your ask is another person’s give. Be thoughtful of their bandwidth for what you want. And, like everything in life, timing is key. No, 4:55 p.m., when your boss is frantically packing up, trying to get to her daughter’s soccer tournament when you know she’s missed the last three games really isn’t the time.

Keep your chin up.

“Every rejection is God’s protection.” Or so says my friend’s mother. Oh well, that magazine politely declined my pitch. Maybe they’ll love my next batch of ideas. So that law firm isn’t hiring right now—doesn’t mean the one down the block isn’t, or that they won’t be next month. And that date who never called you back? You don’t need me to tell you he’s not worth your time. If at first you don’t succeed, reassess your approach, trust the universe, then try, try again.

So tell me, what are you asking for these days?

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BY Megan McCarty - May 8, 2019

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8 Comments  +

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  1. Miles Smith

    May 8th, 2019 at 12:06 pm

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  2. How to Ask for What You Want in Life and Work – Business Blog

    May 9th, 2019 at 12:00 am

    […] Continue reading How to Ask for What You Want in Life and Work at Wit & Delight | Designing a Li… […]

  3. ashley

    May 9th, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    I’m asking for a significant raise at a startup that has no idea how to set salary brackets or raises. :/

  4. Rachel

    May 10th, 2019 at 9:55 am

    This article is spot on. I recently asked for a raise, and had spent over a month thinking about how I wanted to go about it. I found it helpful to consider the communication style of the person I would be making the request to, what kind of questions they might pose in response. —Basically training myself to think about all the things I do that bring value to my company so that I wouldn’t blank on the spot. I did a fair amount of salary research, and knew what a 5, 10 and 15% raise equated in dollars, etc. This helped me feel more knowledgable and confident about negotiating. I got what I wanted, and the process was a great exercise for asking what I want in other areas of my life.

  5. Weekend Reading | 5.11.19. ⋆ New York city blog

    May 11th, 2019 at 11:41 am

    […] How to ask for what you want. […]

  6. Kirsten

    May 12th, 2019 at 3:56 am

    Can i just say that i do really enjoy wit and delight. I always look forward to finding some inspiring reads. Thanks so much !!
    Kirsten x

  7. Weekend Reading | 5.11.19. - The Stripe by Grace Atwood

    May 13th, 2019 at 7:50 pm

    […] How to ask for what you want. […]

  8. Sunday Morning Coffee // No. 127 - by Amber Burns

    May 19th, 2019 at 9:02 am

    […] Loved this post on asking for exactly what you want, in work and life. Much […]

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