Please Stop Asking Me When I’m Going to Get Married

Lifestyle

Image Courtesy of Colleen Eversman of 2ndTruth

An all too common thing occurs the minute someone realizes I’m engaged. They instantly lower their gaze to my ring finger, examine it with such determination that I truly believe their eyes will fall out of their mouth just to get a closer look, and then ask the age-old question without skipping a beat: “So have you guys picked a date yet?”

When I first got engaged back in 2017, this didn’t bother me. I was a freshly engaged woman, hot out of the oven. I was eager to discuss how my fiancé proposed, what our possible dream wedding would look like, and everything in between. When I would answer “no” back then, people would get it. They just got engaged, how could they have a date picked already? But now when I answer no, two years later, I get a look of concern and wonderment that’s quickly met with a smile after hearing how long it’s been since I officially said yes.

Truth be told, I give myself this same look of concern and wonderment every now and then. We’ve been together for 10 years, and even though we already feel like we’re married to one another, I sometimes can’t help but feel like we’re a wounded horse on a track who’s just trying to make it to the finish line, when everyone else who’s gotten engaged after us has already, or is about to, cross it.

But then I remember how our situation is different than most. Four months after being engaged, my mother passed away. A little over a year later, I was informed my position at my job was financially no longer available to me, and then, around that same time, my grandmother passed away. While grief and financial instability have prevented us from creating our dream wedding at this time, we also don’t feel the need to rush through the process just to say we did it.

It’s hard not to feel the pressure, though. While there’s nothing wrong with answering, So have you guys picked a date?” it’s the follow-up questions that can be daunting to answer. When a stranger or loved one inquires about our long engagement, I don’t necessarily want to go down a deep dive of what we’ve gone through. I don’t want to explain how I don’t want to spend $40,000 dollars on my wedding when I barely have two pennies to rub together. I know people mean well when they ask this question or when they provide advice, but they assume they know what’s best for our situation, when in fact, they know no more than we do.

We’re taught to follow this “yellow brick road” because it’s supposed to bring riches, happiness, and answers to all our problems, and the minute we want to deter away from the recommended path to find our own unique joy, we’re expected and pressured to fall back in line.

But isn’t that life? Don’t we all experience this form of pressure at some point? While mine might be about my non-existent wedding, you might be feeling pressured to have children, to quit or find a job, to get engaged, to stay or leave your hometown, or to go to college. We’re taught to follow this “yellow brick road” because it’s supposed to bring riches, happiness, and answers to all our problems, and the minute we want to deter away from the recommended path to find our own unique joy, we’re expected and pressured to fall back in line.

The recommended path doesn’t work for everyone, though, and you should never feel pressured to go down the road someone else recommends because there’s simply no one way of doing things.

While my fiancé and I do want to get married one day and live happily ever after, we know our path is different than others, and that’s okay. Yes, we want to throw a wedding and have everyone we love there, but maybe we just want to do it at city hall and go to a bar, or maybe we want to save enough money to travel to Italy to say “I do,” eat an abnormal amount of pasta and wine, and go on a “buddy moon” with our friends.

All I know is that whatever wedding we decide to plan, it will reflect our unique journey as a couple. We’ve gotten engaged way later than most, we’ll probably have kids way later than most, and we may even (okay, we most definitely will) adopt more dogs than most. For us, being married is an added perk to what we already feel about each other. And while we’re grateful to have people who love us enough to give advice or inquire about our nuptials so they can make sure they can be there—because, heck, we want them to be there, too—we’ll take their advice with a grain of salt; we won’t feel pressured to do what others expect of us.

All I know is that whatever wedding we decide to plan, it will reflect our unique journey as a couple. . . . For us, being married is an added perk to what we already feel about each other.

After all, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, whether we get married tomorrow or five years from now, it’s how much we love each other. Because while I don’t necessarily want to answer why we haven’t picked a date yet, I know I’ve already answered the most important question I could have ever answered to the most important person in my life—and thankfully, he already knows I said “yes.” 

BY Raven Ishak - September 29, 2019

Did you know W&D now has a resource library of  Printable Art, Templates, Freebies, and more?

take me there 

Arrow Alone

Get Our Best W&D Resources

for designing a life well-lived

5 Comments  +

add a comment

  1. Amy Polen

    September 29th, 2019 at 10:21 am

    It’s your business, and your business only. Not theirs. People should not feel entitled to know your story, let alone approve or disapprove of it. BTW, it doesn’t stop when you get married. Then the prying question will be, “When are you going to have kids?”

  2. Please Stop Asking Me When I’m Going to Get Married – Business Blog

    September 29th, 2019 at 1:19 pm

    […] Continue reading Please Stop Asking Me When I’m Going to Get Married at Wit & Delight | Design… […]

  3. Carrington

    September 29th, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    I love this! It’s really no one else’s business when you decide to hit those personal milestones in your own journey. It’s like asking people when/if they’re planning to have kids. There are just so many potential painful or private issues you might inadvertently dig up. I find it best to be excited for someone and whatever they choose to share with me, but not to pry. Good post. 🙂

  4. Vera

    September 30th, 2019 at 5:15 am

    I can imagine how frustrating that must feel for you. Yes, it does seem that any deviation from the societal “norm” gets surprised looks. Your mention of the “yellow brick road” applies also to parenting. I feel like there is a lot of that sort of attitude around (more than there needs to be!!)

  5. Pamela

    September 30th, 2019 at 8:25 am

    This is the exact story of my engagement… I’ve been engaged for 4 years with someone I’ve been with my entire adult life (14 years today). There was even a time when there were rumors saying that something was off between us, that we were going to broke up. Well, eventually people got tired of us not getting married and move on. But you’ve got to be strong not to follow the “yellow brick road”.

    P.s. I have found that this is a sort of pattern in long-lasting relationships. Couples that have been together for a thousand years and that got engaged but can seem to find the strength to actually tie the knot. Maybe there’s something to investigate 😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

MORE LIKE THIS:

Why Decorating Your Home Is Good for Your Mental Health

What 10 Years of Blogging Taught Me

The Hidden Benefits of Being Incredibly Uncomfortable

6 Easy-to-Grow, Can’t Kill Houseplants for Beginners

The Golden Rule: A Dream Career Built From Love, Loss and Resilience

Introvert Dating An Extrovert? Here’s How To Make It Work

Tornadoes to Tablescapes: Life Inside the Lifestyle Blog

Black, White and Love All Over

Marriage – A Requirement of Commitment?

Women vs. Women, and a Little Thing Called “Self-Respect”

Homemade Green Tea and Honey Mask

An Apartment of Firsts: A Personal Story

Meet Team W&D: Designer Extraordinaire, Raquel Benedict

Kate’s Picks: 8 Things I Tried in September and Loved

A Life of Wanting Thinness

5 Steps to Help Cultivate Confidence

Instant Delight: 6 of My Favorite Prints as Digital Downloads

Kate’s Natural(ish) Skincare Regimen

MORE STORIES

Arrow Alone

the latest

Thank you for being here. For being open to enjoying life’s simple pleasures and looking inward to understand yourself, your neighbors, and your fellow humans! I’m looking forward to chatting with you.

Hi, I'm Kate. Welcome to my happy place.

Easily navigate all our recommended products across beauty, fashion, decor, and wellness. 

SHOP W&D Loves ›

follow  @WITANDDELIGHT

ELSEWHERE

PINTEREST

FACEBOOK

333k

3m

12.5k

INSTAGRAM