I’ve been thinking about how Joe and I, at our core, share a really deep friendship. Admiration, delight, shorthand jokes, the shebang. But it’s changed over time, as marriages and friendships do. Our kids—whom we love more than words can encapsulate—have become a wedge in some ways. It’s like… we’re co-leads on this high-stakes group project, and we both really don’t want to screw it up. (Spoken as someone with a combined fourteen years of therapy under her belt.)

Pressure and structure aren’t ideal conditions for friendship. In this kind of scenario, the sense of lightness, the seeing and being seen, can quietly shrink. We’re in a different phase, one built on resilience, communication, and clarity. But it leaves an opening for closeness that can feel like loss. 

We don’t talk about adult friendships like we talk about romantic relationships, but we should.

Because adult friendships can be just as formative and necessary. In many ways, they offer a kind of freedom our romantic or work partnerships can’t. Our friends are not usually directly affected by our decisions, so they can tell us the truth. And if we’re lucky, they delight in us for who we are, not for what we do.

What the Best Adult Friendships Give Us

Lately, I’ve been reaching outside of my marriage for the kinds of friendships that fill in the gaps. I’ve encouraged Joe to do the same. Not in a dramatic or betraying way. We’re just reaching for a connection that nourishes what this busy season of life seems to starve: joy. Spontaneous conversation. Shared curiosity. The kind of love that says, I care about you with no strings attached.

That last part is important.

“No strings attached” means:

• I don’t like you because you make me feel better than.
• I don’t expect you to behave a certain way to stay in my orbit.
• I don’t need you to be small so I can feel big.
• I don’t withhold affection to punish or control.
• I don’t use our connection to signal something about myself.

And let’s be honest: A lot of us are so caught up in our own unresolved shit that we’re not even available to be the friend we want.

Friendship, real friendship, is a mirror. But not the shiny kind you hang on the wall. It’s the kind that reflects you back to yourself with love, holding your contradictions without flinching; that reminds you who you are when you forget.

You don’t have to do a lot to keep a friendship alive. You just have to delight in the other person. That’s the key. That’s what we all want. Someone who says, “I see you, and it brings me joy.”

And we can’t just want that—we have to offer it. It doesn’t take big sweeping acts of commitment or even lavish “catch-up” lunches. It takes showing up IN life, rather than sitting on the periphery.

You don’t have to do a lot to keep a friendship alive. You just have to delight in the other person. That’s the key. That’s what we all want. Someone who says, “I see you, and it brings me joy.”

3 Ways I Maintain Adult Friendships

Cultivating friendships in adulthood doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s something I’ve had to learn slowly, sometimes awkwardly, because it’s also something I’ve deeply longed for. For a lot of my life, I didn’t feel like I had it. Not in the way I craved: mutual, safe, delight-filled. I always felt like I needed to sing and dance my way to connection and safety. 

So now, I try to be intentional. I mess up and don’t show up sometimes. But I keep trying. I keep trying to be the friend I want in life. These are a few ways I keep connections alive with friends:

1. I send a quick message when I think of someone. Sometimes it’s simply, “You popped into my head. I love ____ about you.” It doesn’t have to be poetic or perfect. People remember how you made them feel, not how well you wrote the text.
2. I let people in. I share where I’m really at, even when it’s messy. Letting someone show up for me—without fixing, without judgment—has been one of the hardest and most healing things. I’ve been let down but also lifted up. I think it’s worth knowing who can be there for you, and who might be best on the periphery. 
3. I stay curious. I genuinely want to know people. What lights them up. What’s hard. I don’t always need to give advice—I’ve learned just listening can be more powerful than saying the right thing. I’m always working on listening. I think we could all strengthen our friendships this way. 

Not All Friendships Last Forever (and That’s Okay)

Sometimes? Friendships change and people drift. Misunderstandings happen. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair. I used to see that as failure. Now I see it as part of being human. When it feels right, I try to repair—reach out, name the hurt, stay open. And when it doesn’t? I let go with love and wish them the best. 

Not every friendship lasts forever, but each one teaches you something about who you are and how you love.

You don’t need a big group, perfectly coordinated schedules, or elaborate plans. You just need a few people who make you feel good in your body. Safe in your nervous system. Seen and accepted for who you are.

14 More Ways to Connect With Friends in Adulthood

Maintaining adult friendships isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. That’s why I wanted to share simple ways other people keep their friendships alive.

I posed this question to my Instagram audience earlier this spring: How do you show someone you like and appreciate them? These were the most repeated responses:

1. Spend time with them.
2. Offer favors before they need to ask.
3. Share compliments and what I admire about them.
4. Highlight what I love about them when introducing them to other people.
5. Give them a full five-second hug.
6. Send them a care package.
7. Send them a card or quick note in the mail.
8. Buy a bouquet of grocery store flowers or pick a simple bouquet from the garden, and drop them off at their place.
9. Randomly stop by with a treat or their favorite coffee order.
10. Tell them the unique things that make them who they are.
11. Make them a home-cooked meal.
12. Tell them I love them whenever I leave their place.
13. Make a playlist for them or share a song I know they’ll love.
14. Text them a quick link on a topic of interest or a piece of clothing I think they’ll like.

I’m curious what you think about making friends as an adult. Send me a note with questions or thoughts to hello@witanddelight.com, and we can keep the conversation going.

Kate Arends

Kate is the founder of Wit & Delight. She is currently learning how to play tennis and is forever testing the boundaries of her creative muscle. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.